With Apologies to Michael Keaton
This is the Ahead on Differential Daily Dispatch, issue #4.
I.
I’m on an 11-game losing skid at Bagel Club, an informal get-together of Scrabble players held at a bagel shop downtown. I started this event in part because my new job keeps me from attending the city’s flagship Scrabble club, and I’m in sore need of over-the-board practice. This losing streak is really testing my faith in my abilities. It doesn’t matter that I see and play JANITORS or JAUNDICE or NICENESS. It doesn’t matter that if I were to play those 11 games over again there’s no way I’d go 0-11. All that matters is that this sample size, however small, is my reality. The game too often feels like it’s something that’s happening to me and not something that I have any control over, even though I have control over some of it. I hope the streak comes to and end, but it’s the hope that kills you.
II.
The Mount Rushmore of Pittsburgh is as follows: George Romero, Roberto Clemente, Girl Talk, Fred Rogers (also shout out to my friend and honorary Yinzer Chris Mello, go Knicks). I can’t think of another person in the history of television with a higher approval rating than Fred Rogers. A titan of children’s programming, a champion of public broadcasting, a Peabody Award winner, and a beacon of hope and calm when the world feels like it’s perpetually on fire. So it seems fitting that now, amid a sea of AI slop and prank videos and whatever atrocity MrBeast is up to at the moment, that Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood finally launches its official YouTube channel. Turn on, slow down, and chill out to one of these proto-How It’s Made segments.
III.
Let’s try some diarism:
Two hydrophobic blankets and a jug of enzyme neutralizer. Soak the rug, the fitted sheets, all of it, with the stuff. My girl can’t stand it. She has had enough of worrying if something smells like piss or not. It’s everywhere. Who lives like this? I spend a hundred bucks on Feliway, some supplements to chase the nerves away. I might not get these cats to best friends, just as long as this pissing contest ends.
IV.
You know how it is sometimes: you’re reading about the Clash’s 1985 busking tour of the UK, entertaining delusions that you and your poetry buddies could still pile into a rented Toyota RAV4 and rock the coffeehouses and used book stores of the Windsor–Québec corridor. You notice that the Clash’s original drummer Terry Chimes, played on the first album from 1977, returned to the fold in the early 80s, only to leave again for drug reasons before the busking tour. You keep reading Chimes’ Wikipedia page and learn he went straight from the Clash to Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers, which must’ve done wonders for his drug problems. You then think, “I’ve definitely heard of Johnny Thunders, I wonder what this album of theirs sounds like.” You read a little further and learn that the first pressing of their 1977 debut album—their only album, in fact—had such a shitty mix that there’s been a cottage industry of remix attempts over the last five decades. The world simply needs to know how good these guys were. You pull up the cleanest, crispest version of L.A.M.F. by the Heartbreakers that you can find, hit play, and conclude that it fucking rocks. It’s sleazy and glammy and catchy as shit; it sounds way more like prime Stones than the Sex Pistols. You now have a new contender for your favourite album of 1977, which is already chock full of classics. What a wonderful problem to have.

